I am a beach comber.

I spend long hours walking (mostly) in solitude, as a result of which I also spend long hours in quiet contemplation. On some level, it is an almost monastic life... I have certainly come to see that it is deeply spiritual, even if it doesn't 'look like' the type of existence most people would regard as 'the spiritual life.'

As I wander with the sound of surf and water birds as a backdrop, thoughts and considerations arise. Many are no more than clutter from my life; I allow them to arise and pass. Others are broader questions, about the meaning of this existence and what we place into it.

'Meaning' is an interesting concept.

What exactly IS meaning? How does the quest for it guide us, and make us who we are? Is meaning really as incredibly different to each person as it seems, or is that superficial meaning... while we seek a deeper meaning, common to all?

Recently I pondered: 'How did I become who I am?' And, on a more Cosmic level: 'How does ANYone become who they are?' Is the snapshot of us in THIS moment merely a 'summary' of our experiences, to date? Or is there something more at work?

Today, I was considering 'what's on my plate, right now?'

Once upon a time, I was quite ambitious and 'striving.' As I look back on those days, I realize that all the busy-ness I engaged in was not really for 'me' but to feed my insecurities. It was part of a toxic need to keep up an 'image' as being industrious, selfless and self-sacrificing... part of a *deeper* need to have people LIKE me.

Even when I had more going on than I could handle... I still managed to find time to take on MORE, if someone asked. Ultimately, I felt deep fear of letting anyone down, lest they think less of me and perhaps no longer like me. So I allowed myself to stay in a cycle where I always felt overwhelmed. But I was not a nice person... because even though *I* was responsible for adding to my overbooked schedule, I would eternally complain about how much I had to do, and how other people were imposing their issues on me, causing my life to be chaotic. Of course, they were NOT, as I can see now from my future vantage point... *I* was taking on their issues.

It was unthinkable for me to say 'Sorry, YOURS, not mine,' because what if they would reject and/or abandon me? It took me many years to understand that we DO have choices... and for me they were not necessarily about WHETHER someone might abandon me, but about WHO might abandon me. I discovered that I was worried about losing people who brought very little to my life, while TAKING a lot. At the same time, I often overlooked those who came to me with the intent to GIVE freely... because (after all!) what 'use' could I be to someone who did not 'need' something from me?

I have been a student of the Enneagram for better than 20 years. I won't go into details about it-- you can google it and read about it, if you feel so inclined. What I do know is that I am a 'type Nine.' And one of the core characteristics of Nines is that of being 'other-referencing and self-forgetting.' That is, possessing a tendency to define oneself purely in terms of other people's opinions... while turning one's back on the core truth of self. Below that: unexperienced and unexpressed anger.

These days, my 'plate' is quite modest... by conscious CHOICE. And I find that I have become a more pleasant human being to be around. Moreover, when someone comes to me with their 'issues,' and I find that I am 'running at 60% capacity' (instead of the 110% of old!) I am able to give my attention without become resentful and frustrated of their 'imposition.' Maybe this is 'selfish,' but I believe there are elements of self-ishness that can be not only healthy, but also essential to our well-being. When we take care of OURSELVES, we gain the capacity to care for others from a place of *strength* not a place of stress.

Whether we choose to live a 'small' or 'large' life is perhaps not what is relevant here. What becomes relevant are our underlying *reasons* for those choices. Do we choose the 'big' or 'small' life because we are concerned with how others will think of us? Do we make our choices because we are trying to fill (or not fill) a void inside... that can never be filled by busy-ness (or avoidance)? Or do we choose it because it simply because it is the 'right thing' for our personalities; for who we authentically ARE?

Being in a 'small' life is an interesting experience for me. I have grown increasingly aware that I am now able to more often respond with a 'Yeah, we can do that!' when someone asks me to participate in something... as opposed to the 'eyeroll' I might have offered a decade ago.