Following a series of minor epiphanies and reminders yesterday, I have been thinking about the connection between listening, and Love.

Most people-- if asked-- will assure you that they are 'good listeners.' It's a bit like 'a sense of humor;' almost everybody feels that theirs is ABOVE average.

What is listening, REALLY? HOW do you listen? Back when I was in college-- as part of a discussion of 'character development' in a creative writing class-- I came to understand the way people in conversation often are just 'marking time' till it becomes 'their turn' to speak. This can take various forms, from the impatient tapping of the foot, to interruptions and 'talking over,' to 'drifting away' from the words of the speaker to formulate some detailed answer that will be spoken when there's a gap in the words.

What I took away from the discussion was the realization that an ostensible 'conversation' between four people can often be little more than 'four parallel monologues.' Dialogue becomes this strange 'contest' of 'who gets to say something,' and even establishing (through subtle competition) a sort of 'rank' of intellectual prowess and conversational 'skills.'

But what is conversation, REALLY?

My personal belief is that when someone says something, it's generally 'an invitation to connect.' When we truly LISTEN-- that is, we empty ourselves of what we 'know' and 'need to say'-- and focus on the other person's words and energy, then we are 'accepting' the invitation. And we DO connect. Conversely, if we break into the other's words with a statement like 'I know' or sit there formulating our response... then we are, in many ways, 'rejecting' the invitation to connect.

Often-- and I have found this to be ESPECIALLY true of extremely 'learned' and highly intelligent individuals-- people wonder why they struggle with friendships and relationships; or why they seem to lack 'depth' and connection.

Truthfully? Much conversation IS redundant, and we DO 'know' what's going to be said, next. But asserting that we KNOW misses the point, unless we're actually sitting in a class, trying to learn some specific concept. In daily talk, what we are mostly trying to do is CONNECT.

It can be a challenge to 'suspend the frustration' at hearing something you've already heard 100 times. The temptation is to 'block' the speaker. I experience this quite often, and find myself guilty of doing the same thing, unless I stay awake and mindful. I will get ten words into sharing something, and someone says 'I already know what you're going to say...' and then takes over the conversation, 'filling in' where my words WOULD have been-- OR 'hijacks' my flow and goes off on a tangent. Is this person RIGHT? Often... but it misses the point. Dialogue is not a contest of 'who knows more,' and establishing a ranking of intellectual prowess and superiority... it's a way to CONNECT.

On top of this, there's also a need to 'leave our ego OUTside the conversation.' It doesn't MATTER whether we've heard the story before, or know the answer. My last name-- 'Messerschmidt'-- is also the name of a famous German engineer and aircraft manufacturer. I have been asked probably 1000 times whether I'm 'related to the plane people.' In recent years, I have learned to 'hear' that question like it's being asked for the first time... and not just block the other person out. In the past, I would just sigh or roll my eyes... thereby 'rejecting the invitation,' by my vibes that I 'was obviously talking to an idiot.'

Listening means 'I see you, I hear you, I value you.'

And thus, *truly* Listening is a form of Love.